Voice of the Spirit

It’s a classic spiritual and religious image; one we’ve all witnessed in person or seen in a movie, photo, greeting card or television show — a row of burning candles in a church glowing against a more subdued background — the presence of the eternal flame of the prayers of those who light these candles, all with their personal petitions to God. The divine flame that reaches to the heavens and propels our prayers to the Godhead; in a sense – igniting our thoughts and wishes!

Candle burning is an ancient practice in both the conventional religious sense and in esoteric spiritual practices. Almost everyone who lights a candle has an intention in mind – whether to perhaps heal a loved one or manifest a blessing, candles become the externalized fire that represents the internal inner flame of our immutable spirit.

I remember as a boy seeing the candles in the Catholic Church I was raised in and feeling the hypnotic sense of getting lost in the flame – gazing and mentally morphing into the fire in a slow, trance like fashion, as if to lose myself in the glow. As I became spiritually trained later down the road, I learned that candles serve a highly valuable purpose in us manifesting – not just in an abstract way, but quite literally!

A Matter Of Principle

Candle burning can be a wonderful tool for manifesting great positive blessings for any of us. It’s unfortunate though, that candle burning sometimes has a bad reputation. I would like to caution those of you who don’t know what to watch out for regarding candle burning, as most of us who have been taken advantage of in this type of situation, were at a vulnerable point in our lives. Sometimes, certain unethical readers exploit clients regarding the potentially very positive use of candle burning.

“Oh, I have special anointed candles and I will burn them for you under very unique circumstances,” a reader says to a client. “Well, how much will it cost,” the client questions? “Well, I hate to charge for something that is spiritual and directly from God, but it does take a lot of time,” the reader says. “Well, I really want my boyfriend back and you promised that you CAN reunite us,” the client affirms. “How much will it be?” “I would have to say about five thousand dollars,” the reader says. “I really can’t afford it, but I must have my boyfriend back,” the client decides. “OK then, I’ll come up with the money.” “You’ll be very happy, honey, with the end results,” the psychic promises.

As you’re reading the exchange above, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “Does this type of thing really happen?” The answer is yes, it sometimes does. Some of you may have been victimized by such scams yourself. Also, don’t just think it’s the initial five thousand dollars that covers the entire bill. Presumably, more candles need to be burned, at increasingly higher costs – “The woman he’s with is manipulating him to stay away from coming back to you – I’m having visions of this! We must do something more powerful — It will take everything I have and I don’t want to charge you, but I really need ten thousand dollars to bring him back to you,” the psychic emphasizes. Of course, eventually, this type of rip off crashes and burns, (pardon the pun) with the client left in financial disarray and shattered dreams.

Remember, if money is involved, be extremely careful. Some ethical psychics may charge a reasonable amount of money to burn a candle for you, but the cost must be fair, with no hidden charges. Some very caring readers will burn candles on your behalf and for your loved ones for free with no costs whatsoever, as part of offering their services to you. This can be a wonderful gift. However, if there are large sums of money involved, run the other way.

The Rules

First, you can always burn candles for yourself, which I’ll explain ‘how to” below. However, there are certain circumstances where someone else can burn a candle for you. If you’re afraid or emotionally charged in a negative way about something, it may be better to have someone else light the candle for you. Why? If you have fear and negative energy regarding an area of your life, say finding the right lover, you’ll very potentially send out that fear when you, yourself light the candle, which brings back to you exactly what you don’t want. If you’re not centered about something, them another individual may be more beneficial to burn the candle for you, such as a trusted loved one, or an ethical psychic or spiritual person.

Secondly, it is bad karma to use candle burning to attempt to manipulate the free will of another as mentioned above. It doesn’t matter what you may be feeling, or how intense the emotions are, or what the spiritual rationalizations may be – trying to twist someone’s arm metaphysically creates negative karma for all participating in such an act. You should use candle burning to bring in the blessings that are yours by divine right, not encroaching on someone else’s life or their choices.

The Divine Gift of Candle Burning

Candle burning, if used properly, is a wonderful tool from the divine universe, as a gift to us – to help us manifest our positive dreams – not dreams that interfere with the lives of others. We deserve blessings, but not at the expense of others or ourselves. Below, I would love to share with you the ancient practice of candle burning and the simple instructions and “how to’s” to use candles to assist you in manifesting your highest blessings, with no negative consequences! Whether career, love, health or a variety of other dreams, I would love to share with you the reality of what candles can do for you!

How To

First, it’s important to know the “how to’s” about candle burning. Even though these instructions are not tedious and labor some, (say as in assembling a bicycle) the guidelines are important, so please follow! Once you’ve lit a candle, always let the candle burn to the bottom and let it to go out on its own. Why? Burning a candle is a prayer – literally. Imagine if you were in the middle of saying a prayer and suddenly you abruptly stopped mid sentence – “I now affirm that God brings me t…” That prayer would not be finished, so it wouldn’t be a completed request to spirit! Therefore, it is of utmost importance to burn your candle all the way to the bottom to complete your petition to the divine universe. If you can’t leave a candle continuing to burn to the bottom because of safety reasons, then get a small little votive candle that only lasts for a few hours till it goes out on its own. A less positive option and one to use only if you have to, is to pinch the flame gently or snuff the candle. This is not the best thing to do, but if in a rare instance you have to, do so, but don’t make a regular practice out of it. Then you can relight the candle later.

The intent, the purpose for which you’re burning the candle and focusing such intent, is critical. As you prepare to light your candle, tune out all thoughts other that the desire you’re trying to manifest. Focus this end goal in your mind’s eye. As you ignite the candle, focus on the flame and hold that thought clearly in your mind and see that thought becoming one with the flame.

Some people like to “dress” their candles by anointing them with oil. The oil is rubbed into the candle wax and as you anoint your candle, you’re thinking of the purpose for which this candle will be burned. Most metaphysical bookstores, sell both oil and candles, and many of them will dress your candle for you for free.

You are always better to start off with one candle and progress from there. When beginning to manifest through candle burning, one candle, which represents one prayer - one thought - one desire, is something that we can all grasp. It allows you to focus on one thing at a time, focusing all of your energy in that area. You never need to burn more than one candle of the same color at any given time. If you’re burning a white candle, for example, lighting multiple white candles does not make your candle prayer stronger or more effective.

Regarding multiple candles of different colors, (for example: pink, gold and blue) you can sometimes burn more than one candle, but I would recommend starting with just one color in the beginning. Once you’ve began manifesting from the one candle, (this may take multiple candles of the same color, one at a time, over a period of time) you can then do two candles, then move on to perhaps, three. However, I would not recommend to ever go above five different candles burning at the same time.

Also, certain colors of candle wax go together and others don’t from a spiritual perspective. The reason I say wax, is because it is the color of the actual candle wax that determines the “color” of the candle. Each color has a different manifestation / manifestations in your life. Below, I will explain what colors work together – and want colors cancel each other out and are not to be burned at the same time. As far as how long to stay with burning candles, that is entirely up to you. I have been burning candles on and off for over twenty years. A good rule of thumb, though, is to minimally try burning the same candle or combination of candles for at least one month straight if you’re trying to manifest something into your life.

What if you light a candle and it burns for a short while, then goes out on its own before burning all the way down to the bottom? Should you light it again? No you should not. This simply means that the energy and prayer is complete, so the candle went out on its own, as no more energy from the flame is needed to manifest what you’re trying to bring into your journey!

Colors

First, it is important to not burn red or black candles. Some psychics may disagree, but I highly advise you to never burn a red or a black candle. Let me explain why! Some will tell you that red represents passion, hot sex and intense romance. What they fail to also tell you, though, is that a red candle can also bring violent sex, such as rape, an explosive, volatile and dangerous romantic partner and physical violence to you. Also, it is not a good idea to burn red candles for the Christmas holidays, as the divine universe doesn’t make an exception to the significance of the candle color, even for holidays.

With a black candle, it represents evil. Some psychics will say to burn a black candle to negate negativity – to counter attack evil. I absolutely disagree. It’s like saying to do more cocaine to stop cocaine dealers in your neighborhood from dealing drugs. Burning a black candle will summons evil energy and dark entities and even though you may think that you can direct this darkness in the way you want to, it is not so! It would be like saying that you can invite an alley rat into your home and somehow direct this creature to carry out your wishes and commands.

The colors that you should burn are mentioned below. It’s important to know the correlation between the color of the candle wax you’re burning and what these colors mean from a spiritual perspective. What areas of your life will be benefited from the color of the candle you light? Since each color affects different areas of your journey, below is a guide as to what each color represents metaphysically, what these colors can do for you, when to use such a candle and which candles are compatible with each other:

WHITE:
Manifests: Pure divine spiritual energy – Spiritual cleansing and healing – The presence of God’s sacred purity.
When to use: To get rid of negative spiritual energy – To spiritually cleanse your home of negative spirits and neutralize evil in your life - To being about a higher vibration of pure divine love – General healing.
Goes with: Any colors but green and brown.

YELLOW:
Manifests: Represents creativity and intelligence - Connects to clairvoyance, cosmic wisdom and learning – The power of the mind.
When to use: To enhance creative energy – Promotes insight and inner wisdom - Strengthens the mind.
Goes with: All colors.

ORANGE:
Manifests: Very good for healing coughs, colds and asthma as well as arthritis and exhaustion – Promotes personal strength, authority and power.
When to use: For any respiratory healing – Creates enthusiastic energy when needed.
Goes with: All colors.

GOLD:
Manifests: Physical safety - Takes away negativity in the physical sense between people — Brings about overall success - Good for legal issues.
When to use: When there is tension, bad blood, or disputes between people - Brings overall success in one’s life and physical safety - Creates physical peace between rival parties - Promotes positive legal outcomes.
Goes with: All colors

PINK:
Manifests: Happy times - Pleasantness - Wonderful new people - A soul mate relationship - Brings everything to its highest good in your life.
When to use: To bring in your divine romantic life partner, positive people and “up” times - Creates an overall sense of everything in your life manifesting for its highest good.
Goes with: All colors

GREEN:
Manifests: Money
When to use: When needing to manifest money.
Goes with: All colors except White.

BROWN:
Manifests: Career
When to use: When looking for a new job – Promotes advancement in your work situation - To manifest a better career in general.
Goes with: All colors except White.

BLUE:
Manifests: A peaceful home - Centered emotions – Physical health and healing.
When to use: When needing to bring peace and safety to your home – Promotes centered emotions – Creates overall physical health.
Goes with: All colors

LAVENDER/PURPLE:
Manifests: A deeper connection spiritually, especially when meditating.
When to use: For meditating - Entering a deeper inner spiritual level within – Enhances the cosmic connection.
Goes with: All colors

A little note! You might wonder why a white candle doesn’t go with green or brown. The answer is clear. White represents pure divine spirit, transcendent of the material plane, while brown and green represent the material plane. White is cheapened and compromised by being burnt with brown or green and should not be done!

Here’s a little example of how to mix colors:
If you were wishing to manifest money and also wanted a new career, you would burn a brown and green candle together. In fact, brown and green go extremely well together, like a hamburger and fries. In addition, you may wish to bring about more success in your life. You can add a gold candle in as well and you would be burning three candles at the same time.

The Eternal Flame

As we work with candle burning and begin to see the positive benefits and results from such a universal tool, we should always remember that the power of the flame is eternal, perpetual and endless. We feel the burning and fire of our inner spirit – when we’ve desired something – something that is for our highest good and we made it happen! This fire cannot be extinguished – it must burn through till we achieve victory! Whether becoming healed, getting a college degree, meeting our right life partner…We drew upon the eternal flame within us and carried out our mission. Candles and candle burning augment the fire that is already within us – amplifying, projecting and strengthening our prayers, wishes and requests, like a singer who’s singing into the most powerful microphone and sound system so their voice is heard in the heavens! Never forget, the divine universe receives the fire of this ever-present flame and envelops it in infinite spirit — and grants our petitions — eternally for the greater good of all!

© 2008 Jim1537.  All Rights Reserved.

Topic: Our Inner Flame
Goal: To direct our eternal inner flame to bring about only and all that is for the greater good.

My inner flame burns with the passion and desire to manifest all that is for everyone’s greater good!

I would like to offer a very special Valentine’s Day greeting to you.

One of my psychic clients was telling me her view of Valentine’s Day in a reading I was giving her just yesterday. Her simplicity and sincerity was heartfelt and heartwarming to say the least and I’d like to share some of her sentiments with all of you.

“You don’t need to buy anyone anything — just tell them that you love them,” she said. “Even if it’s not a lover, tell someone in your life that are loved and appreciated,” she went on to say. “Just let someone know that they’re special to you.”

Thanks for the inspiration!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you,
Jim

Most of us who are parents never realize the complexities, challenges and effort it will ultimately take when we first bring a child into this world.  Often, we are excited, perhaps for our own subjective reasons and hope that our kids do “turn out” in a certain way; the way we want them to.  However, as the story unfolds, it is filled with twists and turns, some perceivable, while others that can only be experienced and learned as things develop throughout time, frequently in surprising ways to all concerned.

Deep karmic ties

Before we were born into the physical world, we chose our parents, exactly in the same way our children also choose us as their parents before they come into an incarnation.  Children and parents always have deep karmic and spiritual ties, contractual agreements and lessons to mutually learn.  It is never a clean slate between a parent and a child, as in looking at a blank canvas before one paints on it.  There are already former lifetimes shared and pre-written karmic agreements formed spiritually before either the parent or child has incarnated into this current lifetime.  This all happens on the other side, between physical incarnations, where all of the souls involved agree upon terms, conditions, lessons to learn and the ultimate spiritual goals that are to be achieved in a given human journey.

If you were raised by difficult or even abusive parents yourself, you might question, “Why would I have chosen them as my parents, when they were so horrible to me?”  The answer is that we choose our parents and vice versa for what is to be learned spiritually, which could literally be anything - lessons hold infinite possibilities. It all depends on what the souls involved are here to experience!  In a perfect world, every family is not meant to be the stereotypic perfect family: two kids, two happy parents, living in the suburbs, etc.  Each parent and child dynamic is quite unique unto itself and must be assessed on a case by case basis.  These very lessons are what often make parent / child relationships quite complex, with many dynamics and layers to be worked through.

How is your child special and unique?

There are many things that are absolutely singular and unique about your child and every child.  What are their special talents?  What are their one of a kind personality qualities, or quirks?  What stands out about them from the time they were learning to crawl?  As you stop and think about it, these are things that make your child who they are - before they incarnated with you.  The very qualities and talents they possess before being born into this lifetime are theirs, as they bring these gifts with them.

As a parent it is your job to foster, nurture, encourage and help to develop all that is special about your child.  Whether it’s a great musical or artistic gift, like a child who starts drawing, then painting before kindergarten, or someone who shows tremendous abilities to play the piano, seemingly out of nowhere.  It is never out of nowhere.  It comes from the accumulative work and efforts of what he / she has done before being born to you, the parent.  Here, the parent provides the vehicle for the child to blossom into who they are, but the parent should not decide who and what their child must be.  It is already there!  We as parents just need to observe and help it along, so to speak.

Often, the child chooses the parent who is completely willing and able to help them manifest what is unique about them.  For example:  a child who has the gift of athletic ability may choose to be born to a father who himself is an athletic coach.  This sets the stage for the parent to easily and organically be able to help their child along his way to becoming who they are meant to be and therefore, the contract between the two souls can be fulfilled.  Never forget, every single child has attributes and qualities that will never be found in anyone else - ever!  With that in mind, as parents, we keep our eyes and ears open to observe what makes our child special, unique and one of a kind.  These attributes may be revealed later in life as opposed to early on, as mentioned above.  There is no strict rule of thumb for the timing of when it will all start to come of age, but it does happen, sooner or later.

Kids have their own lessons and karma

Besides the special gifts, talents and unique talents of every child, each child also has their own lessons to learn and karma to be worked through.  This also comes with the child before they are born into a human body.  Their lessons are theirs, regardless of how you raise them: meaning, there is nothing you can do to eliminate or take away their lessons and karma.  How you do raise them though, will determine if you help them to learn their lessons, as in assisting them in a positive way, or make it inherently harder for them to work through their lessons and karma by not guiding them in the correct fashion for them.  As a parent, you won’t be able to learn the lessons for them.  No matter how hard you try or how much you love them, they will have to go through certain experiences, hardships, struggles and pain - in short, going through it themselves! 

Even if a parent raised a child absolutely perfectly, (as many of us have aspired to do) they will still have we call in today’s world, baggage!  We must understand our part in all of this! We have not created this baggage; therefore, it is not ours to be able to take it away.  We are there to assist, offer counsel, support, even limits when needed.  We are not intended to merely be just ineffectual bystanders. We participate in the process, but we cannot become the child and step into their shoes.  We can’t be them, or try to take all of their work away from them!  Sometimes this process is so hard for a parent who truly loves their child with all of their heart - not wanting to see them suffer or struggle at all.  However, with the spiritual awareness that their lessons and karma belong to them, we, as parents now know our appropriate role.

Mini me

Sometimes we like to look at our kids as a mirror of us - a reflection of our personal values — an extension of who we are, like a miniature action figure or tiny doll made in our image, a mini me!  If we have preferences, likes, dislike, vocations, religious orientations, we somehow assume that our children will take on our own sensibilities.  If you take a survey of parents anywhere, I bet you would find that most parents have had the exact opposite of what they wanted occur - that their kids have often gone against their values, if not as a statement of rebellion, but as a statement of who they are as individuals. And that is a good thing.  Our children are not miniature versions of us.  They have their own uniqueness and like each of our fingerprints are naturally different, so are we as people - those differences even exist within the sacred bond between parents and children.

We must never lose sight of the fact that even though our children may not follow in our footsteps, they are still affected by us.  If we disapprove of them not replicating us, criticize or condemn them for not building upon who we are, we internally damage and scar them.  Caught between the push and pull of trying to be who they are while being put down by us, the internalization of such guilt really ways heavily on our children.  That guilt can cause multiple problems including low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior.  As each of us as an individual has a set of contributions to offer to the world, God never makes two people to be alike.  Therefore, our children are not supposed to be mini me’s.  It may seem that our bond with them would be stronger if they were clones of us, but it would only inhibit our children from being who they truly are in essence and as individuals.

Even if raised perfectly, they won’t be perfect

Sometimes as parents we look to our relationships with our children as a vehicle to heal our past pain with our own parents, a way of righting the wrongs and hurts of the past.  We may try and be the perfect parent - we will never hit, abuse, scream or yell at them!  Everything will be talked out and reasoned in a compassionate way.  Money is there and a peaceful home will always provide the solace a child needs.  In some strange way, it could almost make sense.  Look at adults who have so many issues from their childhood and upbringing.  Imagine if that negativity had never initially been there; how different this adult would be today, for the better!

However, all of us come into this world with karma and lessons, which initially start off as blind spots in our personality structure.  When we have a lesson to learn, we won’t perceive it before it’s learned.  We only know it once the lesson and karma are resolved.  We will pick personality qualities before incarnating that facilitate the learning, which people could perceive as our bad qualities, even though they are not necessarily bad in reality.  For example:  If one’s lesson is to become humble, they will architect a personality before being born that is arrogant.  This way, there is a vehicle to set up this lesson.  With an already existing humbled personality, everything would have already been a completed fact and already known.  With an arrogant personality, one’s ego goes through different experiences whereby the ego is engaged, encountering struggles, frustration, adjustments, growth and finally, transcendence.  Humility ultimately occurs.

Often, our desire to make our children perfect by raising them perfect is about us and our need to feel good as parents.  Through this perfection, we’re trying to alleviate our own guilt, our own senses of inadequacies.  Through the lofty goal of perfectionism, we become OK!  If I raise the perfect child, then my guilt is washed away clean like being forgiven by Jesus himself, which is something a parent may incorrectly feel inside.  However, with these perfectionistic goals, we make our children neurotic, obsessive, compulsive to be the best and in their absolute desire to please, they may shut down, because they can never reach our standards, the standards that have been inherently unattainable and unfair all along.

When kids are raised the same, they turn out different

Many parents in stable homes raise all of their kids the same way; the same values, disciplines and structures.  The kids have been born only a year or so apart.  The money situation has been consistent as well and no tragedies have befallen the family.  If we came into an incarnation with no predispositions, karma, qualities or pre-existing conditions from former lifetimes, then these children should all turn out the same, or at the very least, close to the same.  For those who believe that we come into this world as nothing more than a blank piece of paper, what would their explanation be for children who were brought up exactly the same, turning out radically different from each other? 

Here again, we see how past lives play into the picture.  As mentioned above, before a child is born, they have acquired many gifts and talents throughout several lifetimes, bring a special quality that is theirs alone, which doesn’t belong to anyone other than them and most certainly have spiritual / karmic lessons they must go through to learn.  And yes, each of us know this before we are born here.  We agree to what we’re supposed to do!  Being born in the physical plane is the ultimate in dumbing down.  We virtually forget everything. Why?  So we can start as infants to grow and learn - to be ourselves and evolve as individuals, certainly not duplicates of our siblings.

For example:  The parents of John Hinckley, the man who was stalking actor Jody Foster and tried to assassinate then President Ronald Reagan to impress her, were emphatic that they raised all of their kids exactly the same.  There were no tragedies, shocking surprises in their upbringings or u-turns.  Nothing was out of the ordinary.  So what happened?  Why did their son do what he did, then?  Because these were his qualities, his choices and on some level, who he was, even though it seems unfathomable to most of us.  With other examples such as three siblings who all choose diametrically opposed careers, or acquire conflicting religious beliefs, brothers and sisters are never joined at the hip regarding who they are.

The key as parents is to offer the same degree of love, consistency, structure and rules to all of our children, although, with the knowledge that they will all turn out different from each other.  We shouldn’t compromise what we know to be right and wrong, yet each child is still going to be who they are; on a soul level.  With that awareness in mind, we are not intimidated by each distinctive and separate essence each of our children bring to us and to the collective as a whole.  We know our job is to realize that the same formula forever yields completely varying and different results.  Since each child has different needs, talents and strengths, as a parent, you do what you can to bring out and enhance what works for them.

Both parent and child teach each other

It would seem normal to presume that as parents, we are the teachers of our children.  After all, we are the adults, who have gone to school, had careers, paid the bills and made our way in this world.  Children come into the world, not even knowing the terrible physical dangers that are present in this world - say wandering into the street naively.  From a spiritual perspective though, it is quite different.  As the great metaphysical master Florence Shinn said, “No one is your friend, no one is your enemy, everyone is your teacher.”  Teaching and learning, from a spiritual point of view, is not about who has the life experience and has gone to college being the actual instructor.  It is a much more deep and profound sense of learning; the concept that everyone we meet is divinely designed to teach us, as we are to teach them.  This higher sense of education is architected in divine mind, perfectly and immutably.  The people we meet, connect with, even bring into this world are already designed to be taught by us and vice versa.  Infinite intelligence already knows this. 

With that in mind, we reevaluate our relationship with our children in a new way.  Instead of being the parent who says, “This is the way it is, end of issue,” we learn to listen and to be open minded.  Certainly we must guide and raise our children, in short, do our job; while at the same time, we are ever learning from them.  There is never such a thing as a one-way lesson.  Teaching is a two-way street.  As children learn, parents learn, or are suppose to.  Often, parents refuse to live and learn and grow through their experiences with their child.  Rigidity makes adults closed to growth and non-flexible.

Certainly, any parent would tell you that there have been many unexpected surprises in raising their children, some easy to handle, while others, quite challenging.  However, there is always something to learn.  This concept should be even taken a step further; it is divinely planned what we’re suppose to learn, therefore, we should assume and trust that our experiences with our children are there to not only teach them, but to enlighten us and expand our growth as well!

Parenting is a job

Parenting is a job - a full time job - with no paid vacation days, or personal days.  It is a constant, ever present job that is work - hard work.  Often, before having kids, we think of how cute and adorable they’ll be laying in their crib, endlessly giggling and then beginning to crawl.  But kids come with their own baggage and set of issues as established above, no matter how perfectly they are raised.  It is important as parents to approach parenting as a job, with its own set of rules and regulations and challenges.

We must love our children - unconditionally.  Not love them only till they do something we don’t like, or even resent, such as marrying a person we can’t stand, doing poorly in school, or indulging in negative behaviors.  With unconditional love, it just is…a continual and endless stream of light and love, without judgment whatsoever, pouring down eternally from the highest universe through us and to our children.  It cannot have conditions on it - or the love will fall short.   No matter who or what our children become, when we love them unconditionally, it will always end up being better for them, meaning that unconditional love always helps our children in one way or another to become better people.  And that doesn’t mean that we need to be doormats and let them walk all over us.  If our children, say, had stolen something from us, there must be consequences for such an action, but the love never stops!  If they don’t do their homework, they must be directed to do so - and if consequences or restrictions are necessary, that is fine.  Yet, unconditional love means that even when they’ve done wrong, they are dealt with by us in a nurturing, compassionate, kind and supportive way.

We must prepare our children to become functioning members of society.  That is our job!  Someday, they will need to take their place alongside everyone else in this world with people who won’t be nice to them and people who won’t care.  Our day-by-day job is to set them up to be able to be a part of this enormous collective consciousness and contribute positively; in whatever way they are divinely designed to do so.  Our relationship with them is secondary to who they as individuals and who they need to become in their adult lives. 

It is a bonus if they can love us in return - but we can’t expect it.  Expecting it is selfish and defeats the purpose of parenting - again, to prepare our children to join this ever moving journey, where only they can bring to the table what God has gifted them with.  Let us say that our kids loving us in return is a nice bonus, like receiving a huge year end check at the end of the year, but we must not be waiting for it.

The hip and with it parent

That super cool parent - the one that initially lets their 6 year old stay up as late as they want - lets them miss school if they don’t feel like going, shares intimate details about their lives in ways that are inappropriate for a youngster; (”I use to smoke pot in college”).  The parent who let’s their kid drink or get high as a teenager, have sex in the house… Of course, most kids would love a parent like that, because they let the child do whatever they want.  How many kids do you know that would rather stay up all night and miss school the next day versus go to bed early and get up and go to school on time? 

This is the parent who wants to be accepted, approved of and not seen as the bad guy.  When a parent goes missing in action and becomes more like a cool big sister or brother, they dramatically harm their child.  However, that child will probably love their mom or dad for being their friend, their buddy - not the authority figure!  (Even if later, the child, as an adult, wakes up and realizes how unstructured and dangerous their upbringing was, they will certainly love this type of parent as they’re growing up).  That kind of love from a child is deceptive and dangerous, because it is at the expense of doing what is in the best interest of the child.  As sobering as it is, parenting is often a thankless job, but it is our obligation to do what’s right by our children.  After, all, we’re the ones who brought them here in the first place.

Ann Landers

The legendary advice columnist Ann Landers once did a survey of her readers.  The basic question was: “If you had to do it all over again, would you still become a parent?”  Overwhelmingly, most respondents said “No, they wouldn’t have children if they had to do it all over again.”  What this means is that somehow, they didn’t get what they wanted out of the experience, which indicated that their expectations weren’t met.  Whether those expectations were that their kids turn out the way they wanted them to, take over the family business, marry someone they approve of, choose a lifestyle the fits their existing values as parents, some or all of these expectations were not met.  With that in mind, it begs the question, what should our expectations be as parents?

I don’t think we can expect a conclusion set up in our own minds and designed by us, as we never truly know what will ultimately transpire regarding our children and their relationship to us.  Certainly, we can’t ever really make them into what we want them to be.  However, we can hope for the best!  We can do our jobs correctly, with humility!  We should call upon God’s divine guidance every day to lead our children in the best way humanly possible!  In a sense, though, it all comes down to our egos - if our ego’s are engaged and invested into our parenting roles, we’ll always come up short.

Don’t let your ego get involved

“How dare my child not respect me?  Who do they think they are, going against my wishes,” a parent questions?  “After all I’ve done for them, they show no appreciation whatsoever,” the parent concludes.  With this righteous indignation, what is really behind what is being stated and the actual problem at hand?  It is the ego of the parent, with all of its dominance, pride and rigidity.  The ego wants what is wants - plain and simple.  Ego doesn’t deal with compromise, or understanding.  Ego is about being king or queen! The more we come from a place of ego as parents, the more we’ll run into trouble with our kids.  Ego attracts itself right back to itself.  Meaning, if you’re coming from a place of ego, people will mirror right back to you your own ego - especially your children.  Why?  Because we interact with our kids on such an intimate level, that whatever their deep-seated issues are, become engaged by us and vice versa!  It’s the same thing with intimate lovers; both parties trigger whatever baggage exists within.

So how do we then deal with our egos as parents?  We must try to not come from a place of ego, as much as possible.  It is never good to parent from our egos.  We should always try to rise above such a lower level of consciousness and surrender the process of raising our kids to our higher selves, where all answers are within reach and divine guidance is ever present.  When we rise above the ego, kindness and perfect guidance will be the foundation of our interaction with our children. We’ve all heard the phrase, you catch more flies with honey that with vinegar.  It is the same thing here.  With surrendering our egos, we no longer expect our children to be grateful.  We have no real right to expect them to thank us, appreciate us, or even acknowledge what we’ve done for them.  That is simply our job.  With that increased sense of humility in mind, we learn to become, as God wants us to be; serving humbly without expectation of reward or appreciation.

Don’t overreact

“You got what on your report card?  You mean to tell me that you have three “F’s” for this grading period,” a parent screams as they question?  “I can’t believe this.  You’re grounded: no telephone, computer, no friends over - go to your room,” the parent shrieks in disgust!  Most of us as parents have probably been through this scenario or something similar.  However, when we take a step back, we should realize that we’ve overreacted.  We’ve taken it too far.  Yes, three “F’s” are not good.  In fact, it could be a real problem.  But does screaming accomplish anything at all?  Of course it doesn’t. 

It either makes the kids angry and defensive, or feeling terrible about themselves, or a combination of both.  None of these internalized energies by the child will help them bring up their grades.  The overreaction only adds fuel to the already existing fire.  So what would be a better way to handle it?  Certainly, the parent has the right to express concern, even disappointment; but in a clear, solution based way.  Why did these grades slip?  Once the problem is established, what’s the plan of action to fix this situation?  This way, the problem is seen by the child as an issue that needs to be resolved, not an emotionally charged out of control blaze of fire with all of the extra appendages that go with this type of drama: anger, rage, defensiveness, acting out, low self esteem and throwing in the towel, because it all seems too insurmountable to the child.

Again, here we see how our children teach us.  If we learn to not overreact, we gain mastery and control of our emotional natures - we learn to become understanding, and most of all, we learn to see things in their proper perspective, not from a highly charged vantage point.  On a deeper lever, this is a lesson of acceptance for us, rising above the judgmentalness that has plagued all of us, whether by being judged or through judging others.  By accepting our children for who they are, we not only help them to grow in self-acceptance, we also help ourselves to rise to a higher level of consciousness.

Children learn by example, not what we say

It had been said that the best type of leader is one who simply leads by example - the person who just does what is right day-by-day, without fanfare or show.  It has been reinforced time and time again that these leaders, whether parents, athletic coaches, teachers, or bosses, have the strongest and most positively profound impact on others.

If we drink, how can we tell our children that they should never drink?  If we smoke, how can we yell at our kids if we catch them with a cigarette?  If we swear all day long and use foul language, how can we censor our children when they do the same?  The answer is obvious — we can’t.  It’s that old hypocritical adage of “do as I say and not as I do.” 

Whether we know it or not, our children really do learn from us - not so much from what we say, but from what we do, even when they’re rebelling and pretending they don’t notice.  They absorb our examples and take their cues in one way or another from us, every single day!  We must set the stage and lay the groundwork, always making sure to raise the bar to the right level.

Think of yourself - do you like to simply be told what to do?  Who does?   Our kids feel the same.  They don’t like to be ordered around, either.  Of course, there are certain things we have to tell them to do, (chores, homework, going to bed) but the point here, is that if you simply set the example every day, consistently, along with letting them know the basics, it will have a much greater impact on them as opposed to telling them how to behave or how to live their lives.  If it doesn’t appear like you’re shoving it down their throats, they’ll absorb and process it all so much more easily, in a seamless way.  Why?  Because their defenses and egos won’t get engaged!  It is a masterful way to parent and far more effective than just using words as the law of the land.

Often we don’t see the results of how our examples have helped to shape and define our children till much later down the road.  In the same way that life is a work in process, so are children.  They are ever evolving, especially before they’re fully functioning adults.  Think of the big picture, the accumulative affect!  It is incomprehensible, the infinite things we will have shown our children from birth till they’re adults and even beyond them being young adults.  As the popular therapist Dr. Phil says, “We never stop being parents.”  All that we do as parents makes an enormous difference, more than anything we ever simply say!  The integrity of your sincere and consistent actions speak louder than anyone shouting from the highest mountaintops! 

Children live what they learn!  Never forget the times you understood when they made a mistake!  Remember when you didn’t lie when you could have - the times you bought them gifts as an expression of your love - how about when you listened to them, without judgment?  As we will raise them till they become adults and beyond that and never really stop being their parents, it takes a lifetime of continual positive examples, day in and day out, to guide them correctly. 

This way, we help our children evolve and develop into being the very best individuals they can possibly be.  As adults, they will make the highest possible contributions to everyone they ever encounter and touch throughout their lives, perpetuating the endless cycle of love that is everyone’s true calling - and real destiny.  This way, as parents, we have done our job, fulfilled our contracts and agreements, by simply doing what is right and for the purpose of the highest good, without emotional expectations of any kind, but for the joy of serving God’s humble purpose.

Topic: Nurturing Others
Goal: To nurture others, which builds our spiritual connection to the gallery of those connected to us.

I am nurturing to others and help to bring out the best in everyone I know!

Extra bonus affirmation for parents:

My children are a gift and I find deep satisfaction in nurturing them in every way!

What actually is cheating… doesn’t everyone already know what it is?  Having sex with someone other than the person you’re with, right…?  Being unfaithful, you know, seeing someone else on the side behind your partner’s back, c’mon - strip clubs, prostitutes, one night stands behind your lovers back, a man’s mistress, that dangerous bad boy toy on the side for a bored housewife…

But you might be surprised to learn that so many people have quite varying and diverse standards as to exactly what it is to cheat.  It’s obvious that everyone would agree that someone who is secretly having actual sexual intercourse with another person than who they’re in a committed relationship with, does constitute infidelity.  But what about those who engage in just oral sex without intercourse - kissing and touching?  Does flirting pass the test?  Cyber sex on the internet, exchanging lewd pictures…Does even the mere thought and sexual fantasy of someone without any actual physical activity rise to the level of infidelity? 

I’ve had clients share with me that they were more devastated by their spouses “emotional cheating;” meaning the sharing of emotional intimacy with someone who they did not have any physical sex with, as opposed to their partner simply having sex with another, say a one-night stand.  Many clients have claimed to me that receiving oral sex does not rise to the level of infidelity, and that cyber sex on the internet is safe, clean and of no harm to their lovers. 

Any or all of these criteria can be looked at in any number of ways, and for the purpose of this writing, all of these realities may be included and considered.  Each of you, as the reader, can decide, perhaps in a mix and match way, which, or how many of these above-mentioned issues you consider to constitute infidelity.  In every partnership, the two people need to set the parameters of the relationship and what defines infidelity. When one or both people step outside of the agreed to parameters, it constitutes infidelity.  With that in mind, let’s look at some of the reasons why people are unfaithful.

What does infidelity really do to a relationship - does it end it flat like a wrecking ball knocking down a home and destroy people’s lives permanently?  Does it sort of get swept under the rug, overlooked, sending the relationship into a strange kind of limbo?  Could it even be a vehicle for healing and growth, as in learning from our mistakes, facilitating a renewal of the bond people share?   Here, I would like to address various reasons why people are unfaithful, and their respective repercussions on relationships in the short and the long run.

“John, why are you cheating on your wife?  She’s a fantastic woman, great to look at, sexy, totally into you, and adores you,” a buddy questions?  “Because I can,” John flatly responds, as so many unfaithful men do.  John is your most stereotypic type of cheater:  arrogant, wants the thrill of the chase and the catch, feels it’s his birthright as a man to go out there and do what he wants, is full of himself, all the while wanting to have his cake and eat it too.  Certainly, John would never be the sort of guy to put up with his wife doing the same, or care about what he’s doing to her: from a health perspective, betrayal, and the emotional and psychological damage she will incur if and when she finds out. 

This type of infidelity usually has nothing sympathetic attached to it; it’s not as if his wife won’t make love to him, or that she’s disrespectful of his dignity, so therefore he needs to find someone who can be there for him - this is selfishness and uncaringness at it’s strongest and most flagrant.  It’s like a bully who picks fights just to flex his muscle and establish dominance and power over others merely to self gratify his ego.

With this type of cheating, it’s very hard to stop a man like John; it’s not that his wife is the problem at all - but once she finds out about his dishonest ways because or picking up a sexually transmitted disease from John’s continued stepping out, she becomes devastated and says:  “I failed as a wife - I must not be pretty enough-Certainly I don’t satisfy him sexually.  If I did, why would he have to look somewhere else?”

Wait a minute, though - this woman is not looking at the motive behind John’s cheating - it’s none of those things she feared about herself.  This is John’s enormous and self-centered arrogance at play.  You could give him the most attractive model in the world who’s totally into him and he would do the exact same thing to her.  It is about him, not about his wife.  In short, there’s nothing wrong with her as a woman. 

In this instance, her self-esteem gets destroyed, her self-image as a woman goes dramatically downhill and she loses her ability to trust.  With this scenario, it is most likely that sooner or later, the marriage between John and his wife will simply end - but it’s not that simple.  Due to John’s infidelity, his wife has had her self esteem flatlined, may go into a serious tail spin of depression where she becomes obsessed with not being good enough, legitimately has a health crisis from the physical act of the cheating, looses her ability to trust John, other men, and even life itself.  The repercussions here are absolutely devastating.

Let’s look at Allan, another married man, who is not the continual cheater as in the case of John.  In Allan’s case, he’s an example of a person who sometimes takes for granted what they have at home, gets bored, and carelessly slides into an affair.  “It just happened.  I wasn’t looking for it,” Allan sheepishly explains.  “Maybe it’s because my wife gained ten pounds.  I don’t know.  I just wanted something different.” 

Here, unnecessary pain is incurred by his wife who didn’t see it coming, has to decide whether to view this as an isolated incident or a long-term pattern, and must struggle with the proposition of rebuilding her trust in her husband who she has always believed in.  Extra work is created here, with damage that is quite palpable and hard to totally repair.  It’s like a car that was in an accident - the car was not totaled but there’s significant damage.  How easy is it to really bring the vehicle back to the condition it was in before the accident?

Sometimes a woman has tried everything they can to make their relationship work.  Fighting being ignored, dismissed and disregarded, the person does their best to hang in and hope for things to get better.  After their overall needs, especially their intimate ones have not been met for years, even decades, they being to look elsewhere, or at least become open to someone new.  “I never wanted to cheat on my husband, but this new guy talks to me, cares about what I feel and need, so I couldn’t help myself. “I‘m falling in love,” a wife at the end of her rope explains. 

Here we see how the husband has neglected his marriage to the potential point of no return.  The possible cure may be too late.  Before things went this far, the husband could have probably repaired the union, through increased intimacy, being attentive to his wife’s needs, and simply being a husband.  As a reader, I have very seldom seen a marriage damaged to this degree ever repair itself and last. 

The husband may have not seen it coming even though one could say that through his neglect of his wife, he helped to set it up.  It’s still easy for him to be quite upset, though; perhaps if the wife came to her husband first, before anything much developed with the other man, this blow could have at least been somewhat softened.

Beyond that, there are those instances where a relationship, even a once happy marriage, has run its course through two people legitimately growing apart and either one, or both people finding someone new, even through infidelity.  As complex as these situations may often be, in the end, moving on seems to be the best thing for both people who are no longer satisfied together.  It may be indeed better if the ties are severed first, then new lovers are found, but often, things don’t evolve in such a tidy and clear-cut way.  Sometimes, while still being married, a new relationship for one or both parties facilitates and motivates the actual end of the stagnant and miserable marriage.  All in all, both parties end up happier apart.

Serial cheaters, such as John, mentioned above in this writing, are unlikely to ever change. Why?  It’s a simple answer — they don’t want to.  It’s like telling someone who loves his or her alcohol and can’t wait to order another drink to stop drinking and go to AA.  They have no desire to; just like John, who won’t even entertain the idea of stopping cheating.  However, for those who slid into the affair as in the case of Allan, there may perhaps still be a chance to fix things, as his actions have not been a repetitive occurrence and happened carelessly, even clumsily.

For those who get found out only ‘cause they got caught, and falsely, often dramatically pledge their loyalty to their partner, cheating is likely to occur again.  If the motive of the cheater is to keep their primary partner in their lives, but still have action on the side, all of the tears in the world are completely disingenuous and false - even theatrical camp. 

For example:  “Jim, he’s a man.  You know, men do cheat.  Whatever he does out there in the streets in his business.  He comes home to ME every night.  Plus, when I found out, he even cried.”  My response is that criminals also cry when they get sentenced; is the reason for their tears because they feel empathy for their crimes and victims, or because they know they are going off to prison?  The answer is obvious…

This type of rationalization just keeps this mess going - till any number of things can and do happen:  outside pregnancies, health risks and things falling apart.  Here, the woman is going to blow it off, live in denial, obfuscate the issues, and continue to go along with it, as if she was driving a car blindfold down the street.  A crash will certainly occur.

It’s hard to put into words the atomic, destructive, frightening even deadly consequences of infidelity: From anger, rage, hurt, loss of trust, betrayal, financial collapse, even suicide and murder; cheating often turns people’s lives upside down - almost always not for the better.

In a perfect world where lovers tell the truth to each other, things are infinitely much easier, regardless of the long-term success or failure of a given relationship.  And in certain instances, a marriage can be saved, even after infidelity.  Where there is remorse, there can be forgiveness and things can be fixed.  When there is accountability without excuses, one can change for the better while learning from their mistakes.  There are times where people do heal, grow, and rebuild what they’ve invested long and hard into.  The keys are:  accountability for past actions, remorse, the commitment to change for the better and the sincere attempt to repair the damage already done to your partner!

If one is truly wanting to make their relationship work, the best thing to do is to always tell the truth when it comes to infidelity and potential infidelity, preferably before cheating.  Even if people separate, there is a much more likely chance for people to move on successfully in their future relationships. Honesty also allows certain relationships to be saved, everyone’s lives mad more peaceful, devastation avoided, with everyone’s dignity remaining intact and most of all, a better bond built.

Topic: Honesty in our relationships!
Goal: To build our relationships on the foundation of honesty.

I am grateful to be in relationships that are honest, forthright and fair to everyone concerned!